


(Ir)Replaceable

by MyBodyIsReady



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I lowkey project onto Yamaguchi, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, no beta we die like daichi, pls stay safe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26583661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyBodyIsReady/pseuds/MyBodyIsReady
Summary: Yamaguchi has his good days, and his bad days.,, And today. He feels worthless, a mess.Replaceable.(This will essentially be the main premise in chapter 1 and then 2 different endings. The entire story includes attempted Suicide but chapter 2 will be it actually going through.I in no ways condone suicide in any form and am not intending to glorify it. This is based slightly on my own experience with attempts but if you believe any of it is glorifying PLEASE let me know!!)
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio & Tsukishima Kei & Yachi Hitoka & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Sugawara Koushi & Tsukishima Kei, Sugawara Koushi & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Ukai Keishin & Karasuno Volleyball Club, Yachi Hitoka & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 10
Kudos: 43





	1. Chapter 1

3:30pm- Yamaguchi residence.

Yamaguchi threw himself onto the bed in his bed, tears streaming down his face as he gipped his pillow within his hands. Green hair sticking to his face due to the wetness. Today was the worst, just when he was finally breaking through the hole he dug himself due to the Aoba Johsai game. He was so _stupid._

Ukai was always suspicious of his place on the team since that game. Sure, the coach never said it, but Yamaguchi could tell. Years of bullying helped him realised when those around him were disappointed because of something he did. Yamaguchi had worked himself to the bone whenever he had time, and between family and school breathing down his neck it wasn’t a lot. Everyone else on the team was so much better than him, and they barely even failed! He wasn’t worth Karasuno Volleyball. They only kept him out of pity…

Just like Tsukki did.

Yamaguchi knew, he knew he was only around because no one else stood up for the position. If it weren’t for that, he would’ve been dropped ages ago. But he never was… So he got stupidly attached.

Stupidly thought that maybe he belonged among the others.

Stupidly believed that Hinata, Yachi, Suga… **_Tsukki_** actually wanted to spend their precious time around him.

He even fell in love. Tsukki made him feel _special_. That he was one of a kind. Now he knew it was all his mind playing cruel tricks on him. Taunting him for trusting so easily, pushing him back down just like those bullies did back when he was a kid. Dangling everything he ever wanted right in front of him just to pull it away the moment he went to grab it.

Because he didn’t deserve it.

Yamaguchi didn’t deserve Karasuno… He never did, and he never will.

His parents weren’t home, they had some sort of business conference for the next week, they left last night. Giving their son a chaste kiss and a promise to return home safely. They rarely talked to him most days. Work too much for them to have much free time together, it was because of him. Ever since Yamaguchi was born they experienced financial problems, from the passing of his grandparents when he was 12, and their will meaning his mother had to sacrifice her childhood home just because she felt bad Yamaguchi would have to move schools.

His parents were always so busy because of him, another mouth to feed and care for when they really didn’t have to. Kids were so much work and effort, and that’s all he did for his parents, they were so happy when he joined volleyball as a kid. Probably happy Yamaguchi was finally doing something worth everything they poured into him, he refused to bring up his declining mental health, refused to put even more pressure on those he cared about. Those he wanted to keep happy. The only thing that would happen from him opening up is pity. All Yamaguchi was good for was pity.

He was just some charity case others could use to make themselves feel better about what they had achieved. The only thing he could do to make things better for everyone would be to just… die.

Sure those around him would be sad. His school would probably attempt to use it as an excuse to act as though they care about mental health, ignoring the fact that when Yamaguchi had tried to open up about what he was feeling he was shot down so _quickly_. But that would only be temporary, the school would move on. Karasuno would find another number 12 for their volleyball team. Someone who could actually serve the fucking ball for once in his life instead of letting everybody down. Tsukki could make new friends, he had already if Yamaguchi included those 3rd years and that 2nd year from their training camp. They would help Tsukki become better at volleyball, do more for him in a year than Yamaguchi could ever do in his entire life. His parents could adopt another kid. Someone who would actually make them proud and earn their love the way he should’ve.

They would all move on, whether he was here or not. If anything Yamaguchi could barely think of a reason for him to stay alive anymore, even if he did he would just end up alone. So what was wrong with making it happen on his own terms… That way he actually had control over it. It would hurt less this way. Than no one would feel guilty breaking the ‘relationship’ they had. Yamaguchi could do that much for them.

He tore out a sheet of paper from his notebook, grabbing a pencil from his desk. Yamaguchi had thought about what he would say if he ever died. So this shouldn’t be too hard to write.

_Dear Everyone,_

_You’re probably a bit confused, maybe upset as to why this happened. Trust me ~~youre lying~~ I probably would be to. But I wouldn’t spend so much time ‘grieving’ over this. Theres nothing any of you could’ve done to change this outcome. This was my choice. I hope none of you are too mad at me because of it. _

_To mum and dad:_

_Like I said. Neither of you are to blame for any of this. I love you both so so much. You’ve sacrificed so much for me over my life, money, time. And I just want to give you both a chance to recover what you’ve lost. Give another kid, someone more deserving. The chances you ~~shouldn’t have~~ gave to me. Maybe finally go on a decent holiday without worrying that I won’t enjoy, or like it. Make yourself happy again. Please._

_To Karasuno:_

_You’ve all been so ~~nice~~ amazing to me. The time within this team has been great. But we all know that I don’t have the same skill level as any of you, I’ll be honest I’m surprised you didn’t kick me off after nationals. I shouldn’t be on this team, someone else, who can get you points, who can easily carry you to nationals just like you all could on your own. Number 12 isnt important. I trust you’ll find someone better to fill that role. Thank you for giving me the best year of my life. And don’t dwell too much on the issues of finding a new teammate._

Yamaguchi paused, he was aware that there was mainly one other person he knew deserved their own section, someone who he had a lot to say to, and no way to put it into words.

_To ~~Kei~~ Tsukki_

_You can finally move on huh. Must feel great finally being free from the mess of a guy that forced himself into your life. In all seriousness. Thank you for hanging around me for this long. Must’ve been stressful, but I appreciate all you’ve done for me. It’s been so nice spending time with you, I’ve learnt so much more about dinosaurs than I ever thought I would. Being your friend, even if you never thought we really were, has been great. Now you can make someone else feel the same._

_I love you Kei. And I know that telling you this in a situation like now isn’t very cool of me. But I don’t think I could do this without telling you. But now you can move on knowing someone does. That you aren’t unlovable. That one day you will wake up next to the person of your dreams, and be happy. Happier than I think I’d ever make you._

_Don’t change your dreams, anyone._

_Fly high,_

_Yamaguchi_

The green haired boy watched as his tears stained the page. Freely sobbing with every word. This was what they deserved. None of those he cared about needed to deal with him any longer. It would be better this way. They could all move on and live without his being a burden looming over them.

With the reasoning sorted, Yamaguchi moved off his bed an headed to the medicine cabinet in the kitchen, opening it to the pills staring directly back at him. Almost asking him to take them, he grabbed them and a bottle of water from the fridge before sitting on one of the chairs next to the dining table. He opened the bottle, staring at the white solid pills inside of it. Yamaguchi once thought this moment would be something terrifying, maybe even frightening him. But all he felt was numb.

He lifted up the bottle, feeling the cold hit his lips, opening his mouth.

He swallowed almost all of what he could fit in.

5:43pm

Hinata was tasked with collecting Yamaguchi from his home, the team had decided to hold an extra session to keep up practice a few days ago. Yamaguchi had agreed to come in a haze, but hadn’t shown up quite yet. No one could get him to answer their calls and messages, not even Tsukishima, who seemed kind of panicked when he finally arrived at the local park (where they agreed to meet) only to find is friend wasn’t there.

It had been a while since Hinata had needed to go to Yamaguchi’s House, but luckily he actually remembered the route. There were quite a few houses in the area, as the orange haired boy arrived to the location he remembered from his last visit back before their last exam, where Hinata recalls his frantic search for study help.

Knocking on the door, the boy watched as he saw no movement from the inside, no lights were on either. Suspicious. Hinata reached into his jacket pocket, dialling up Sugawara’s number.

“Ah! Hinata, is everything ok?” he heard the bouncing of volleyballs lightly in the background, where they already starting without him??

“I’m just a bit confused. I don’t think Yamaguchi’s home. There’s not even any cars here.”

“Hmm… Tsukishima!” There was a gruff response and a small quiet conversation Hinata wasn’t able to hear.

“According to our lovely number 11 here Yamaguchi is home alone, his parents are currently at a business trip and will remain so for the next week. You have permission to enter the house, Tsukishima says there’s a key under the potted plant on your left.” Hinata looked at the large, almost fake, plant next to the door, picking it up slightly as he grabbed the silver key underneath it. Putting it into the door hole, unlocking it with ease before entering.

“Yamaguchi-kun? Is everything ok? You didn’t show up to practice and Stingyshima seems upset. Now come on I wanna hit some of Kageyama’s serves!” He walked through the hall, making sure he quickly took off his shoes before looking around for any sign of the other first year.

“Any answer Hinata?” Suga questioned on the phone. Worry laced in the undertone of his voice. Hinata was about to say something when he saw a small shadow in the kitchen, illuminated by the street lights outside. He turned to the door, opening it to a sight he thought he’d never see.

Yamaguchi’s passed out body, hand holding onto an empty pill bottle.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” Hinata heard his scream echo through the room, probably bursting Suga’s eardrums in the process.

“Hinata?! What is it?!”

“I-I don’t, Yama- He’s not awake, he’s barely breathing!” Hinata felt himself shake as he ran in front of his friends body, checking the small rise and fall of his chest, it was barely noticeable, Yamaguchi had been writhing in pain for a while, tears were staining his face as well as blood dried upon the bottom of his mouth and his shirt.

“Shit! Daichi! Yamaguchi needs an ambulance right now!” Hinata’s phone had been discarded on the floor in the mess, but he could here the mass of concerned voices coming from Suga’s end. Everyone questioning what the hell was happening. The phone was disconnected as Hinata went to touch Yamaguchi’s face, feeling the salty tears stream down his own face, barely believing the sight that was right before his eyes. His teammate, his _friend_. Right here on the verge of death.

“Yamaguchi _please._ Don’t leave us. We need you. We haven’t graduated yet, you haven’t perfected every serve yet. I need you to wake up…Please!” He was fully sobbing as the words poured out in a jumbled mess.

The paramedics burst through the door and immediately separated Hinata from the room, giving him time to grab his phone before being sent back outside just as the rest of the team sprinted to the house.

“Hinata! Where the fuck is he?!” Tsukishima was next to him immediately, fear covering every inch of his body. Hinata pointed inside the house, professionals covering the living room as shouts could be heard.

“Th-They sent me out here… I don’t know if they’ll let you in until they leave.” Suga came up the short boy, enveloping his shaking body with a hug and rubbing comforting circles into his body. The entire team waited with baited breath as the paramedics carried out Yamaguchi’s almost limp body, Daichi was pulled aside and questioned on the situation, as Suga told Hinata that they had also contacted Ukai on their way here. As well as Yamaguchi’s parents, who were all on their way.

Tsukishima was already asking for permission to enter the ambulance with Yamaguchi, almost screaming at the man before someone else came up to him, handing piece of paper Hinata didn’t earlier notice. The team watched as Tsukishima opened, glancing across whatever was written before completely breaking down. Karsuno watched as their 6’1 ‘Stingy’shima broke down into tears, rolling down his face as his body shook with pain.

Asahi was the only one brave enough to walk over and ask for the note, trying his hardest to comfort the boy who rarely showed any emotion. Tsukishima handed the note with shaky hands, before walking into the ambulance with permission from the paramedic who was recently made aware of their relationship. Asahi walked over to the rest of the team, holding the paper in his hand as though it was the most precious thing he’d ever seen.

None of them were certain if they wanted to read it, even with the knowledge it may be the last thing they ever received from the green haired boy. Everyone looked at each other with tears in their eyes before Tanaka reached out, basically declaring himself to read it to everyone, even Daichi who had recently been dismissed.

“…Dear everyone.”


	2. Bad Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ONCE AGAIN  
> https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html
> 
> ^^^^if you at any point are feeling similar to this and are thinking of attempting PLEASE use this site to find a helpline in your country.  
> You are loved. You are cared for. You are amazing.  
> I love all of you <3  
> i plan to post this on every chapter

1 month later- Karasuno High

It had been 1 month, 31 days since the passing of Yamaguchi Tadashi. And no one in Karasuno knew what to do with themselves. Everything felt empty, as though an important piece of a puzzle was just broken right before their eyes. The assemblies came and went, memorials in the name of the first year that not many people in Karasuno really knew. But those that did, were broken forever.

His parents obviously took it the hardest. Loosing their only child to something as brutal suicide, when neither of them had many other family members to rely onto with grief. Many of the people within their community agreed to help pay for the funeral, but there was only so much they could do for them. Tsukishima’s parents stayed with them quite often, Tsukishima often saw the rapid ageing of those he had known for a good portion of his life. He cried into the arms of both his and Yamaguchi’s mother as he remembered their comforting strokes in his hair during the first week. The whole team tried to be there for them, even Ukai and Takeda visited to pay their respects for the lost student.

Daichi kept his brave face throughout everything, the finding, funeral, all of it. The captain kept his head high, but everyone could see how difficult the façade was to keep. Whether it was his clenched fists when the number 12 uniform was found and returned to Yamaguchi’s parents, or how furious he seemed when Yamaguchi’s desk was emptied without his families permission.

Sugawara took on the role of trying to make sure no one else was even thinking about entering the same path Yamaguchi did. The guilt the setter felt about his lack of noticing the downwards spiral the first year must’ve been going through. The tears that spilt down his cheeks on the day of the funeral were felt by everyone around him. His once chaotic demeanour replaced by something of a mother who lost her son. The silver haired boy often visited Yamaguchi’s parents, offering to help around the household, crying with his kouhai’s mother as they packed away the boys things for storage, feeling as though they were trying to get rid of Yamaguchi forever.

Asahi surprisingly joined Daichi in the venture to remain strong over everything. Whilst he was a lot more prone to becoming emotional over anything, the ace was determined to be the emotional rock people could come to just to cry about anything and everything. As he would listen and even cry with them so neither person felt alone. He still felt like he wasn’t doing enough to help. That as a 3rd year this should never have happened. Asahi should’ve been there for them…

Both Nishinoya and Tanaka seemed to be effected in a similar way. The second years both became a bit more cautious, less likely to barrel into the gym with excitement. The screams of Yamaguchi’s mother in the waiting room being louder than either of them could. Obviously they did their best to keep spirits up, Nishinoya still screaming his ‘rolling thunder’ move as way to keep everyone laughing during practice. Even Tanaka kept randomly taking off his shirt whenever he scored a point.

Kageyama refused to talk for ages after the day. Even just arriving there sent him into such a state of shock that he had no idea what to do with himself. For the next 2 weeks he just kept quiet. Barely talked, barely moved. The only time he began to become more vocal was when he was having his arguments with Tsukishima. They both kept up with the quarrels they were so used to doing, it kept both the first years sane. Gave both of them a way to get out the anger they felt without hurting someone with their sharp words. There were times Kageyama felt he may have been a part in Yamaguchi’s downfall, he never knew how to tell people to do their best if it wasn’t by shouting at them in anger. And Yamaguchi was always frightened of that.

Hinata was a mess for a good while after finding Yamaguchi in his living room. He had been recommended to see a therapist after supposedly “Seeing something traumatic.” The first year knows their correct, he had experienced nightmares for the first few nights, whenever he fell asleep he imagined being trapped in a corridor, behind every door was another dead body of a person he loved. It hurt so fucking much. He wanted to go back to bugging Yamaguchi about tests and buying him meat buns whenever the green haired boy gave him an answer for their homework. He wanted to see Yamaguchi become a captain in their 3rd year, once he was able to believe in himself and show off his potential on the volleyball court.

Tsukishima was hit one of the worst. Not returning to school for at least 2 weeks, only agreeing to go back when Yamaguchi’s mother came to his house to talk with his own mother, kissing the boy on the head with tears in her eyes as she promised him that she would give him some of Yamaguchi’s belongings. Both of their parents knew about the feelings the two held for each other. But Tsukishima wasn’t aware that they were mutual. To think that if the blond wasn’t so emotionally constipated and actually told his childhood best friend how he felt for once in his life. Maybe the green haired boy would feel comfortable to do so himself.

But he never did, and now Tsukishima was stuck with the several hoodies and shirts that could only just fit him. Yamaguchi always said he liked big clothing, said it made him feel safer. Tsukishima didn’t feel safe wearing the hoodie, clinging onto the strings as he cried into it like he always did. Wishing he could bring back his best friend, his crush, _his_ _Yamaguchi_

Everyone on the team wanted him back. Ukai was very held back with his comments to the team, Takeda refused to allow for anyone to take Yamaguchi’s place quite yet, he doesnt think he ever will. None of them could forget the first year, none of them wanted to forget him. If anything they wanted to keep him in their life for as long as possible.

Kiyoko never knew Yamaguchi that well. They rarely met up apart from club activities due to their separate years, but the third year had always wanted to learn about him. She could tell he had potential to do something great for Karasuno, despite how bad he thought he was on the team. To see someone so great be taken away from her just like that. It hurt… Maybe is she made herself seem more approachable to Yamaguchi, tried to make it seem like he had someone to turn to on the team about how his position _was_ guaranteed. But now Kiyoko would never know…

Yachi was a mess, it was hard to stop the short girl from crying for a good hour after the news was broken to her. Not that any of the others were dry eyed themselves. The blonde felt _disgusted_ in herself. She was supposed to be there for the team. To be their manager and help the soar through nationals. Yachi, like the others, expected Yamaguchi to grow over the course of Karasuno, she wanted to grow with him and have them both become more confident ****together****. Now she felt like a disgrace, as though she wasn’t fit to be the new manager of the team. What good was she if she couldn’t stop Yams from doing _this_?

If only Yamaguchi was here to realise how much they loved him. If only they were given the chance to show the kid how much he was missed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This really hurt to write omg  
> I have posted this on wattpad!!!   
> https://www.wattpad.com/story/241909206-ir-replaceable  
> pls feel free to comment! i really like to read them and it boosts me a lot!!!

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html
> 
> ^^^^if you at any point are feeling similar to this and are thinking of attempting PLEASE use this site to find a helpline in your country.   
> You are loved. You are cared for. You are amazing.  
> I love all of you <3


End file.
